"Shattered"

 

Summary: Perhaps for his darkness there could be no light… Kaname’s thoughts on the evolving relationship of Yuuki and Zero.  3^rd in series.  Zero x Yuuki

 

In the end he had lost her, and it was his own fault.  He had allowed the boy, the abomination, to live because to kill him would have been to drive her away, to allow him to die would have been to remove her shield, her protector.  And yet, in the end he had lost her anyway.  He had known of the boy’s love for her, but in his arrogance he had thought it a non-issue.  He had been so secure in her gratitude, in her affections; he had thought he had the time to be patient.  Oh how wrong he had been. 

He had never even kissed her, rarely wrapped her in his embrace.

He had not wanted to frighten her.  This was his rationalization.  Though her sweet defenselessness and alabaster skin had oft tempted him he had never indulged, and now it was too late.

And he could not stand it after all, the thought of another biting his most precious girl.  But really, he had no choice.  Because he had decided long before that he would never force this upon her. That it would be her choice.

It was the unwritten Vampyric code that he owned her.  He had saved her life, and it was now his.  According to the most ancient of traditions her blood was his right, her body his prize.  But Yuuki knew nothing of this, and though his own body cried out for fulfillment, and it was within his power to simply take her, he had wanted her to come willingly.  He had never expected her bond with that brat to be so strong.

The first night he had come after the establishment of the Academy, and she had fallen asleep on the stairs waiting for him, it had almost been too much. The desire to drink of her had been almost too strong, and it was only through sheer force of will that he had lifted her and left her in his bedchamber, alone.  But will alone had not been enough.  He had taken the first willing vampire to cross his path and he had nearly drained her dry.  And when he had looked up and seen her there watching him, the blood of Ruka Souen still dripping down his chin, she had been terrified and, though it pained him to see such a look on her face and know that it was directed at him, he had been glad.  And he had wanted her to be afraid, needed her to be afraid.  Because she needed to understand what she did to him, what he could do to her.  She needed to know what a vampire was capable of, because only if she knew could she properly protect herself.  He had seen the way that Aidou looked at her…

It had been the last time he had slaked his bloodlust with the blood of another.

And in the back of his mind he knew the reason why.  He was waiting for her.  The light in his darkness.

But it appeared that he was waiting in vain.  And yet still he hoped and still he waited.  She had cared for him once, idolized him once.  He meant something to her and that could not be taken away.  He had only to move the right pieces and she might be his once again.

He could not, would not, control Yuuki, and so he had tried to control the boy, Kiriyu.  With vague threats and domineering demeanor, with sharp reminders and cold warnings he had tried to manipulate this pawn in his game.  And when belittling alone had not been enough he had tried to get to him through others.  Saved him then damned him and saved him once more.  But the boy held no respect for him, no fear of him.  He never would.  And so he had appealed to his sense of duty, but he should have known it was unnecessary.  And finally he had tried to exercise his power as a Pureblood over him, to bribe him with the promise of salvation.  But that also had failed it seemed.  And he began to despair.

Perhaps for his darkness there could be no light.

For Yuuki was certainly light, all smiles and warm glances despite her difficult past.  Forgiving to a fault, though stubborn in her own way.  Beautiful and fragile and somehow stronger than anyone knew.

How had he not realized?  How could he not have noticed when her view of him had started to change?  The boy had always loved his Yuuki, though he tried to keep it hidden beneath a flimsy veil of brotherly affection.  But Yuuki, Yuuki had truly seen him as a brother once… and now, now he was so much more.  He saw it in the way she brushed against him as they stood side by side, in the way she leaned toward him when he snatched her from the not so tender attentions of Aidou.  And he wondered that he had not seen it coming.  Perhaps it had been inevitable the moment they had formed their unsacred bond.

They might neither one ever say it, but they were in love.

Bound together in the way of thoughts and feelings more than by the draw of bloodlust.  Physical and emotional entwined as one.

And why did it surprise him? Vampires were sensual creatures by nature, beautiful and seductive, with melodic voices that dipped easily to low and husky tones.  And how could the brush of lips and tongue against smooth skin not be a sensual slide?  And how could anyone ignore the near erotic thrill of having a finger encased in the heat of another’s mouth as their eyes slid shut in an almost orgasmic pleasure?  It was impossible, even where affection did not already exist.  This he had come to know all too well.

And it was inevitable, really, that for them it would lead to love and not just lust, because between them there was already an attachment stronger than he could ever understand.

These things he knew, for they were a part of the human psyche that he could map and trace and predict the path of.  And so he became more prepared, and his reactions were all well hidden.

But that did not mean that he was unaffected.

The boy’s lips pressed to hers in the courtyard at the changing of the classes.  And Kiriyu knew he was looking, and she knew it to.  But she did not resist him, only pulled him closer, surrendering to the possessiveness of his touch.  And even as the burn of anger coursed through him, that the boy dared to openly defy him, he knew there was nothing he could do.  Because to deal with the boy would be to lose her completely, and that was something he could not do.

And so he had suffered in silence, grimacing with each imagined caress and each intimated intimacy.  He thought of the ex-human, face buried against his most precious girl, hands wandering bare flesh, and his stomach turned.  He could almost hear the slurp of her blood being drawn to his mouth, the uneven huffs of their breath.  And he wanted it to be his face pressed to her neck, his fangs impaling her flesh.  He wanted her wrapped in his arms and under his protection, but it was not to be.

The other’s sensed his distress, and as always could not understand.  What did a Pureblood, their Lord, want with a simple mortal?  Even Aidou, who wanted her, could not comprehend that he would go against his family, go against the Council, and dilute his bloodline with a human woman.  But though they were puzzled by the emotions they did understand his need.  Tablets could not satisfy some cravings.  While they eased the pain of hunger they could not replace the feel of smooth skin, the scent of a woman, the feel of her pressed against him.   Vampires were creatures of desire, and it was more than blood that drove their hunger.  Ruka offered herself to him again, but he was resolute.  He would have Yuuki or no one, and they had no right to question his choice.

And, in the end, he had enlisted Akatsuki to distract her and had locked himself in his chambers to avoid her.

But he could not avoid his own tortured thoughts.

Perhaps if he had been more insistent, more obvious, less careful… perhaps if he had encouraged her attentions more openly, not indulged in enigmatic games and riddles…  Perhaps then she would not have thought him unattainable.  Perhaps then she would not have felt the need for other male companionship.  Yet he was of the night and she of the day, there were things about him that he could not reveal, that she would not understand.  And he had needed Kiriyu to protect her.  He could not be with her always.  He could not look after her properly, too much was at stake.  He could not take her for himself while she was still a mere child, could not fully protect her from his own until she was completely his.  He was bound by the code of his own race and so he had placed this most precious task in the hands of another.

A crime of necessity.

There had been no other choice.  Kiriyu had been the only one strong enough to protect her.  And his attraction to her only made him more devoted.  The perfect guardian, the perfect knight.

And when he had attacked her Kuran had been enraged.  He had been entrusted with a most precious duty, a scared trust, whether he knew it or not, and he had broken that trust.  And yet, he had not killed her.  Had not lost himself that far.  And so, when Yuuki had protected him, he had as well.  But he had warned the boy, had finally revealed to him his place.  And he had wanted to believe that the boy’s guilt and his protective nature would be enough to keep her close but still far away.  But he had underestimated her kind nature, underestimated the power she held over his knight. 

He had known from the beginning that she was giving herself to him, allowing him to drink of her even knowing that it was forbidden.

And still he wanted her.  Longed to hear her gasp in pleasure and whisper his name as she submitted to his will.  And he cursed the fate that had led them to this place.  Cursed his own part in this grave mistake. She was too open, too kind, too selfless. He had often warned the Chairman of this, but neither had even taken steps to correct it.  He had thought to cultivate these qualities for his own purposes, but he had failed in that as well.

In the quiet hours of the day, when sleep refused to claim him, he imagined that she was by his side.  He stroked her hair and held her to his chest and whispered that he would never let her go again.   In those waking dreams it was not his bloodlust that he fed, but rather his need for her quiet presence. And when he slept he was plagued by images of her with another, her eyes alight, her lips kiss swollen.  And he awoke with a knot in his gut and a lump in his throat, almost as though he had been crying, though he knew he shed no tears.

And yet, she was happy against all odds.  Happier than he had ever seen her, despite the danger with which she constantly lived.  Could he take that from her?  He was a selfish being by nature, he took what he desired, but with Yuuki he was unable.  

And so he became withdrawn and moody, no longer merely enigmatic but truly closed.

But he could not avoid her.  Could not avoid them.  By his nature as well as their circumstances.  Because if he could not be near her he needed at least to see her, to assure himself that she was well.  To keep her from forgetting that he was a part of her as well.

And when she smiled at him the pain in his chest twisted. 

And when she touched him he found it hard to breathe.

And when she kissed him he had to turn away.

But at least she was safe.

And perhaps it was better this way.  For though the blood of the damned now ran through his veins at least this boy had once been human.  He truly did envy him.  At least he could fight to protect that which he loved. 

And he could watch from the sidelines and know that she was safe and loved.

And he told himself this was enough.  But the desire still burned within him, a half woven bond still waiting for completion.  And he had denied himself for so long, but he would deny himself for much longer.  Because in the back of his being, hidden in the dark recesses of his soul there was still hope.

For if he felt the tug then perhaps she felt it as well.

And so he continued his scheming, continued moving his pieces, and maintained his cool façade.  He did not let them see that he hurt, that he longed.  He did not let them see how he ached.  He did not acknowledge that they were together, that their relationship had changed.  The boy was his Knight, the girl was his Queen.  They had simply not been moved to their proper places.

And as he clung to that hope in his mind a part of him knew that he was building castles in the air.  There was no more substance to his machinations than to a dream.  And though he tried to shut the dark thoughts out he could not erase their mark on his heart.

He was a creature of darkness, he could not escape it, not from within himself. So he held his pieces tightly and tried to ignore this creeping fear.

And when he drew her against him in the darkened hall and she sighed as he pressed her to the wall he had felt his grip slipping.

            And when she sought him out after classes and pressed breathless kisses to his skin, unafraid of who might see, he had seen his Queen starting to fall.

And when she had stood up to the hunter, fearless and enraged, he had heard them clatter to the floor, the sound of the end of a dream.  And when she had drawn the boy up and led him away, fingers drifting over him as if to reassure herself that he was truly still with her, he had heard the final strains of the orchestra, the final tolls of the funeral bells.

And he imagined her drawing him into her “father’s” room, where she had first given herself to him freely.  And he imagined heated kisses and soft caresses.  And he imagined gasped breaths and fevered touches.  And in his mind she was smiling and grasping and lost to him forever.

And with sinking heart and dark desperation he realized that he had lost.  His most precious girl was not his at all… and he could see the pieces shatter.

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Author’s Notes:  I know I’m on a bit of a Vampire Knight kick, but , to be honest,  this manga has stoked my imagination like few series ever have.  I love to find a canon coupling I can just fall into completely and with abandon. … Kinda sounds like a line from one of my Zeki fanfics ^_^  Anyway, there’s just something darkly enticing that stirs my imagination and I want to see these thoughts on paper.  If I ever want to get a good night’s sleep again I have to ^_^  So bear with me and I hope that my contribution to this fandom will brighten (or at least make better) someone’s day.

I know I like to start thoughts with ‘and’. I always have.  I used to hate that rule in English that said you couldn’t do that.  I actually don’t do it in longer works much, but I think it sets a tone… I could just be crazy though ^_^

Anyway, I’ve had a request for a Yuuki/Kaname story, and I’m thinking about it.  I’m not sure what I’d do though.  It would probably be like one of these instead of a true story.  Definitely a one shot because I’ve got too many chapter fictions in the works…