Forever

CHAPTER 4: Separation

         The warm light of the campfire cast strange shadows on the grass.  Soft laughter drifted through the air, carried by the breeze into the nearby forest.  From the edge of the forest Rin, carefully hidden by the trees, and consciously down wind, observed the five people around the fire.

        “Why are we sleeping outside tonight again?” a man in black and purple robes asked.  Miroku, Rin thought his name was, and he didn’t look nearly as irritated as he was attempting to sound.

        “To reminisce about our journeys together!” Kagome said brightly.

        “And why would we want to do that?” the monk raised a brow at her.

        “Miroku!” the second woman, the demon slayer Sango, admonished affectionately.

        “Because it’s fun!” Kagome told him.

        “And what is so fun about it?” he retorted, heedless of Sango’s warning look.

        Kagome shrugged, “I don’t see what your problem is. We used to do it all the time!”

        “We didn’t used to have houses and beds fifty yards away.” Another companion said.  Rin focused on him for a moment.  He had pointed ears, so he was definitely a full demon.  Looking down she saw that he had a bushy tail and small fox feet.  So then... this was Shippo?  He was so much taller than the last time she had seen him.  But then, it had been several years.

        “Hn.” Inuyasha snorted, “It’s no use arguing with her.” He told the others.

        Kagome gave a single, firm, nod, placing her hands on her hips, “You got that right.”

        Inuyasha grinned and slipped behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck. “Only I get to argue with Kagome.”

        Kagome giggled and snuggled into his embrace, then pouted as he released her.   But she soon smiled again as he sat beside the campfire and tugged her down onto his lap.

        Rin felt her heart constrict at the sweet scene.  If only...

        Lost in her thoughts she failed to notice the change in the wind until it was too late.

        Inuyasha sniffed once, his eyes narrowing, “Who’s there?” he shifted slightly prodding Kagome to slip off his lap onto the ground. His clawed hands hovered over Tetsusaiga, but he did not rise.

        Rin stopped breathing and it was then that she noticed the wind had shifted.  She was now upwind of Inuyasha.  She was surprised he hadn’t realized who it was.

        “I know you’re there.  I can smell you.”

        Knowing it was useless Rin stepped out of the shadows of the trees and into the flickering light of the campfire.

        The small group studied her and then let out a collective gasp of recognition.

        “What are you doing here?” Inuyasha asked coldly.

        Rin looked down at her feet.  He didn’t trust her.  Why should he?  But she had nowhere else to go.  She looked up at Kagome pleadingly, knowing the woman’s tender heart was her best chance.  

        “Please...” her voice was broken, rough from disuse, and it was so low that all but Inuyasha had to strain to hear her, “please, I’ve been looking for you for ten days!”

        Kagome frowned and placed a restraining hand on Inuyasha’s leg as he started to rise; he settled back down on the ground.

        “Why?” he snapped.  “Did Sesshoumaru send you?”

        She shook her head, cursing the tears that sprung to her eyes at the mention of his name.

        “No?” Inuyasha said skeptically.  He snorted, “I find that hard to believe.”

        The others were silent, considering this a family matter.

        “Where is he?” Inuyasha demanded.  He looked around, sniffing. “Where are you, Sesshoumaru?” he frowned, “I can’t smell him.” He muttered.

        “He isn’t here... he’s,” Rin choked on a sob, her shoulders shaking as the tears refused to stop but instead slipped down her face in torrents.

        Kagome, recognizing the girl’s distress, jumped to her feet and went to Rin.  She gently placed an arm around the girl’s shoulders and guided her to the campfire.  They sunk to the ground together.

        “What happened Rin?” she asked, and the compassion in her voice made the tears fall harder.

        “I, he,” Rin struggled to compose herself enough to speak.  Tears would do her little good. In broken, terse, sentences – evidence of her still bleeding heart – she poured out the story in detail, from that first kiss to that last terrible exclamation and her night in the rain.  Somehow it felt good to tell them.  To share the burden of her misery and to feel the warmth of another person’s sympathy as they held her. 

        When she had finished everyone was silent.  What could they say to help heal her heart?  What could they do?  There was nothing.  It was hard enough just to wrap their minds around it.

        It was Inuyasha who finally broke the silence.

        “That jerk.” His voice, low and tense, brought Rin’s head up. “I oughta hack him to pieces!” Rin’s eyes widened as he rose to his feet, hand on his sword as though ready to track down his brother right then.

        “Inuyasha!” Kagome scolded, “Stop it!  That won’t help.” She turned to Rin, studying her compassionately. “What do you want Rin?”

        This was her chance, an open invitation, if she could only gather her courage and say it.  She looked down at the ground, her hand picking nervously at the now frayed edge of her kimono, “Can I – can I stay here?” she asked quietly, “Please?”

        “Oh Rin!” Kagome hugged her tightly, eyes brimming with tears of sorrow – the poor girl!  She looked at Inuyasha pleadingly and he gave a terse nod.  Of course he wouldn’t turn the girl away. “You can stay Rin.” Kagome murmured soothingly, stroking her hair, “for as long as you need to.”

 

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        When Sesshoumaru had turned from the carcass of the demon and seen Rin lying battered on the ground pain like he had never known surged through him.  He knew nothing save the fact that Rin needed him – and he needed her.

        With no thought to his actions he had dropped to the ground beside her, gathering her limp form in his arms.  The emotion he had felt at that moment, when he thought she was dying, could only be called anguish.

        And when he realized she was still alive, and seemingly growing stronger... joy warred with fear in his heart.  Could she truly recover from such grave wounds?  It seemed that she would.

        His senses, heightened from the battle, were saturated with Rin.  She smelled of blood, her own blood, but she also smelled so sweetly of something that was all her own, the scent of Rin... she was soft and warm in his arms.  Her voice was like a gentle melody.  She looked so remorseful as she apologized, so sweetly surprised when he told her there was nothing to forgive.

        Forgive her?

        For what?

        Immersed in sensation he had been nearly overwhelmed with the desire to be closer to her... to taste her as well... to feel her lips against his own.

        Bringing his mouth down to hers he had lost himself in her.

        And he had suddenly known – this was nothing like before...

        This was pure, unadulterated emotion.  And her response had only urged him to go further.

        And then, as though a switch had been flipped, he realized what he was doing, what he was feeling, and panic had coursed through him.

        Without thinking he had thrust her from himself, failing to notice her hurt and confused look.

        He needed to be alone; he couldn’t think when she was so near...

        All he could see were images of his father’s obscure grave and his brother’s look of joy each time he looked at Kagome...

        <Fool>

        These cursed emotions were what had stolen his father’s life!

        Or were they?

        Wasn’t it those same emotions that had given his brother back his life?  But those emotions had nearly been his downfall to begin with.

        <Weak>

        The confused thoughts that had been brewing below the surface for weeks came to the surface with such violence that he nearly drowned in their wake.

        What was the answer?  Were these emotions a threat or a promise?  Weakness or strength?

        <Humans are weak>

        Human... Rin was human, and humans caused weakness… didn’t they?  Emotions were weaknesses.  Weren’t they?

        He had so little experience dealing with emotions.

        Torn by these conflicting thoughts Rin’s voice had startled him.

        No! I need to be alone!

        Instinctively he had lashed at the creature who had caused his torment.  He had not even noticed when she stumbled away.  Burying his face in his hands he began to mumble, voicing his confused thoughts aloud.

        What was happening to him?       

        Much later he had finally roused from his stupor to find himself inexplicably alone.  Why was he alone?

        His first response had been to look for Rin.

        Not seeing her he had called her name.

        Where had she gone?  She never just left...

        Then Jaken had come, at first a little anxious and flustered, as usual, and then nearly terrified by the haggard state of his lord Sesshoumaru.

        Sesshoumaru felt no gratitude for the toad demon’s concern.  Ignoring the toad’s inquiries about his well being he had demanded to know where Rin was.

        But the small vassal had had no idea.  And, at the moment, neither had he.

        It was only now, hours later, that he suddenly recalled the incident with clarity.

        I told her to go he frowned, recalling his harsh words, then his eyes widened as he realized the words he had muttered immediately thereafter, forever... I told her I never...

        No!  She couldn't have thought... She couldn’t have honestly gone.  She wouldn’t, she couldn’t.  She was upset, but surely she would return to the house by nightfall.  Surely she would come home.

        Sesshoumaru raced back to the house, leaving Jaken very confused, and even more worried.  Lord Sesshoumaru had run twice in one day! Something was very wrong.

        Sesshoumaru waited up very late, starting at every noise, but Rin did not come.

        For three days Sesshoumaru waited, hoping she would return, but she did not.

        And after three days Sesshoumaru went looking for Rin.

 

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        When Sesshoumaru had set off in search of Rin he had hardly realized the significance of his actions.  But, as the shock faded, and reason again took hold of his mind he realized that something had changed.  Something significant.

        When had this girl, this human, become so important to him? Or rather, what had caused him to finally lay aside his arrogance, his pride, his mask of coldness, and act on the feelings that had always been there?

        They must have been there.  Why else would he have kept her with him?  He not only tolerated her, he humored her, he tried to keep her happy.  Why had it never occurred to him that he was putting her wants, her needs, before his own?  And was that not the surest sign of commitment?

        So he must now admit that he cared for the girl... deeply.

        But of what nature was his care?

        Demon parents loved their children.  At least, most species did.  His own parents had certainly loved him.  Of that there was no doubt in his mind.

        Was this then the love of a surrogate father for his wounded child?

        But then, why the kiss?

        He snorted.

        A father did not kiss his daughter in such a way.  Not in any species or race, whether demon, human, or animal.

        But that first kiss.  He had felt nothing...

        Or had he been so focused on his desire to prove his fears wrong that he had merely convinced himself that he had felt nothing?

        One thing was certain: that day in the clearing... that had been no experiment.

        Love was a weakness...

        But so was lying to oneself.

        Which was the greater sin?

 

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        Sesshoumaru, being a full demon, did not often sleep.  And when he did it was a strange sleep, deep enough that he did not dream, light enough that he could awake at the faintest whiff of danger.  Tonight, however, he was restless. 

        He knew that he needed to sleep.  His body was weary.  But for the first time in his life he could not settle his mind.  Even when he did sleep he was plagued by dreams.  Dreams that would force him to face the questions - and the answers – that his waking mind had refused to acknowledge. 

          He was walking through a forest, alone.  There was something missing.  Something he felt should be there.  He should not be alone.  He heard a soft, melodic laugh, a giggle nearby, and he smiled reflexively.  Ah yes... he was supposed to be looking for her; she was hiding.

        Testing the air, he caught her scent and quietly moved around toward it.  He could see her, just behind the tree.  In a single, swift, motion he leapt up and grabbed her from behind.  She shrieked, struggling half heartedly, but he held her firmly.

        “Do you think I would let you go so easily, Rin?”  He smiled, brushing his lips across the nape of her neck, and then bringing them up to her ear.  “I do not easily relinquish that which is mine.” He whispered huskily.

        Rin stilled in his arms and he looked down at her in question.  Why the sudden change in mood?

         “Am I yours?” she asked quietly, as though fearful of his answer.

        He frowned, turning her in his arms so that their eyes met.  He had the strangest feeling she was searching his soul, looking for something very important.

        He brushed her hair back from her face and her eyes softened at his touch.

        “You have always been mine.” He said tenderly, “You always will be.  I love you.”

        “Always?” she repeated.

        “Always.” He assured her, leaning down to touch his lips to her own.

        For a moment she melted against him, and then she stiffened, pushing away violently.

        “You lie!”  Though spoken quietly, the intensity of her accusation startled him, as did the fact that she drew back as he reached for her.

        “I never lie, Rin.” He reminded her, his voice low with pain.  Did she not trust him?

        She hugged herself, as though for protection, her eyes wide with anguish.  “You lie.” She whispered, “You say forever, but you told me you never wanted to see me again!  The two cannot both be true!” she looked up bravely, her eyes snapping, her voice raised, “Either way, you lie!”

        “No...” he drew back clenching a fist, “I... I do not lie.  I didn’t say that.”

        Now she was the aggressor, moving toward him as he withdrew, “You held me, you kissed me, and then you sent me away.”

        He was confused, and he hated that feeling.  But he hated even more the feeling of anguish and despair as memory flooded back to him.  He had said that.  It was true.

        He shook his head, sinking to the ground against a tree, “I did not realize what I was saying.  I was...” he swallowed, finding the word difficult to say, even to her, “I was afraid.” He admitted.

        “You didn’t mean it?” she asked, more gently now.  “Didn’t you?” He looked up at her, eyes sparkling with the threat of tears now, pleading with her to try to understand.  She smiled softly, and knelt beside him, caressing his cheek.  “What of your oath?  I am a weak human, not fit to breath the same air as a demon lord, let alone share his heart.”  She studied him, no condemnation in her eyes, only understanding.  “Isn’t that true?  You don’t want to love me Sesshoumaru, you can’t.  Not as long as you continue to see human beings as inferior, and love as a weakness.”

        “You are not inferior.” He said fiercely, causing her to blink in surprise.

        She was quick to regain her composure, “Aren’t I?” her hand, still caressing his face was making it difficult for him to think clearly, but her next words brought him back to focus.  “Isn’t that what you tell yourself every time you look at me and feel warmth? Is that not how you push the feelings away?  The very reason you refuse to accept them as truth?  You have rejected all emotion Sesshoumaru.  You’ve put up walls that I’m afraid I cannot break.  It’s just too hard, too painful.”

        “You’re not, but...” he stammered as she stood and turned away from him.

        She turned to look at him once more, and he froze, “Is it your lack of emotion that drives you or is it something else?  Is that merely the wall, the instrument of protection you have chosen for your heart?” she smiled sadly, “Either way I cannot remain as things are. Goodbye Sesshoumaru - let me go.  It will be easier for both of us.”

        “Rin!” he stood quickly, “Don’t leave me!”

        “If I stayed, you would only regret this tomorrow.  We would go back to our old life, ignoring our love, and that would be too painful for us both.  Better to never see one another again, then to live in such a lie.”

        And then she was gone, disappeared in the mist that had risen from nowhere at all.  And Sesshoumaru was left with an aching feeling, as though a piece of himself had been removed.  But this was worse than when he had lost his arm, this was a piece of his heart.

        “But I do love you.” He whispered.  “I need you...”

        He woke with a start, confused by the swirling despair that filled his entire being.  His gaze darted over his surroundings and he realized that he was not in a forest, but a field, and there was no mist.

        “A dream.” He meant it as a consolation, but somehow it did not make him feel better.

        Yes, a dream.  But he did not dream.  For something to have disturbed him this deeply...  As the details of the dream returned to him he felt even less at ease.  It was the most recent of a torrent of such dreams tonight.  In some she stayed, in some she left, in one they had been married.  But this was the first that had related so directly to the reality he was now facing.  It was the only one in which his own conflict had been brought to light.  And the answer his dream had provided confused him greatly.

        Give up his creed, abandon his vow, allow himself to feel something... and for a human no less?

        Impossible.

        And yet, here he was, searching for the girl – the woman... and unable to discard the feeling of emptiness that remained since she had gone.

        Was it possible?

        He closed his eyes, for the first time wishing his father were still alive to give him some sort of guidance.

        Love had killed his father.  Love for a human.

        Or so he had always believed.

        Was it true?

        He had never known the circumstances of his father’s death.  Had he blamed it on the woman simply because she was the easiest person to lash out at?

        If love for humans caused weakness then what of his brother?  What of Tetsusaiga?  The sword that only one with human blood could touch?  Whose true power could only be unleashed by the desire to protect human life?  That care gave great strength... in that case.

        What if that which he had believed to be his father’s greatest weakness had actually been his greatest strength?

        As usually happened thoughts of his father led to thoughts of his brother.

        He had seen Inuyasha do amazing things in the defense of that girl – Kagome – defeat powerful demons, overcome spells, and even overpower his own demon blood.

        Did Inuyasha’s love for Kagome make him weak?

        Perhaps in some ways.  But it made him stronger in battle, stronger, perhaps, in every way that truly mattered.  Even in his refusal to fight Sesshoumaru again.  Had Sesshoumaru not always prided himself that avoiding a worthless fight, having that level of control, was strength as well?

        Perhaps the true weakness had been his refusal to admit his own feelings.  

        Perhaps?

        He almost laughed aloud.  Even now he was skirting the issue, refusing to accept the truth.  And that was inexcusably weak.  Perhaps he had been focusing on the wrong inner conflict.  What if love and weakness were not the problem, but instead merely evidences of it.  What had his dream Rin said?  Lack of emotion was his chosen instrument of protection?  Protection from what?  He was not afraid of pain, nor was he truly afraid of loss.  The truest test of strength was found in one’s ability to defeat one’s own inner conflicts, to face one’s greatest fear and overcome it.  Love, then, would seem to be his fear.  But should he embrace it, or put it away from him forever?  For sometimes fears were valid, and wise, a useful caution to be followed.  Which was love?  A threat to be eliminated from his heart?  An irrational fear of that which he had never understood?  

        He forced himself to latch on to the thought and examine it, turning it over in his mind again and again.  What was it that he feared about love?

        His thoughts turned back to Inuyasha.  Since he had met Kagome his entire life seemed focused on the girl.

        Was it that consequence of love, rather than the emotion of love itself, that was his fear?

        Sesshoumaru had based his life on control.

        And it seemed love would take that control away from him.  Love would become his guide, his rudder. 

        But was that really a bad thing?

        Inuyasha was happy.

        Had Sesshoumaru ever been happy?

        There was always something that controlled one’s life.  Did not pride control his life now?

        His eyes widened at the realization.  Each decision he made was ruled by his pride.  And now, much as he hated to admit it, he was letting fear and confusion rule his life as well.  It had been those emotions that had caused him to thrust Rin from him, that had driven her away.

        And those emotions were caused by his refusal to admit to his love.

        By trying to control his life he had in fact done just the opposite.

        That left him only two options.  Embrace the love, or try to push the fear and confusion away by his own strength of will – for to live with those emotions was not a possibility he would consider.   

        He closed his eyes, considering his dream once more.

        Whichever he chose, the Rin in his dream had been correct, he could not do this half heartedly.

        To look for her and take her back, only to continue as before, that was the worst kind of folly.

        And so he had a decision to make.

        Either he would go after her and find her, with the intention of proclaiming his feelings and taking her as his mate... or he would stop searching and try to return to the life he had had before he had met Rin.

        That thought made his chest constrict in a most unpleasant way.

        He could not let fear control him, he would not.

        “I love her.” He said decisively, rising to his feet, “And I will find her and make things right.” 

        The decision had been made.  He could no more live without her than without his beating heart.  She would be his... always...